I had a vivid dream after a long time. It was about something simple and funny — I went to an event in Japan without a proper attire. When I woke up, I realized I was back home in Manila. My mom’s house, in my sister’s room, my niece waking up at the same time, greeting me a good morning. I think I didn’t want to face it yet. I kissed my niece good morning and went back to sleep.
I woke up again a few hours after, now with my niece scrolling through my mom’s phone, I slept again. A few hours after, my niece woke me up gently to tell me it’s time to eat lunch. I went down with her but didn’t eat lunch.
I’m writing this blog while my 2nd cat is leaning close to me and my 1st cat sleeping in front of me. This is my home. For many reasons though, I only cried for most hours I was awake today.
Going Back
Yesterday’s lighter. From morning to night, my heart’s full of love and joy. I looked back at the past 3 months, remembering my friend’s faces, it was nothing but bliss.
Before I went home to the Philippines, I asked my friends in Japan to write me an advice/message in a mini notebook. I read all of them in the airplane, and the ones written by the people close to me over and over again. Holding each of their words close to my heart.
“Joyful tears from our GOD are the best tears.” my seatmate on the flight home said as I couldn’t stop tearing up because of gratefulness. Interestingly, God also displayed a rainbow when we arrived to the airport which I should write more on a different blog.
I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy before.
The Pull
I’ve been warned though. That it would be hard when I go back to the Philippines. That I’ll probably face many oppositions or rejection from people I love. That it would be hard to feel at home again and have a feeling that I don’t belong at home anymore.
But nobody warned me about what I’m feeling now. Nobody warned me that I’ll yearn for the people I spent so closely for the past 3 months. I miss all of my friends in Japan so much.
I had the pleasure to be loved and to love wholly. Now that I’m away from them, I can only miss them. I can now only hold on to the photos, videos, and letters I have of them. There’s no way I can look forward to the day I’ll see them or visit them in our workplace or their sharehouse. I wrote earlier,
“I can always go back to Japan. It will be the same as it ever been. But it will never be the same again for me without the people that made me love staying in such a lonely place.”
And for some of them, I literally might never see again. It hurts to think of that now. I texted my friend earlier as I couldn’t stop crying “What will I do with all these emotions? How will I process this? I miss all of them so much.”
The worst thing is that we didn’t build our friendship in chats so we don’t communicate online aside from work-related topics.
Let Go
One advice given to me by a close friend is to “let go”. His words have been in my head since last week. I didn’t know that they are the first ones I have to let go. How do I let go of such beautiful memories and people? How do I let go my glimpse of heaven?
I will learn to let go eventually. At some point, I have no choice but to do it. But not today, not tomorrow, not this week. I made up my mind to only start letting go after I write about everything, completed all my personal vlogs, and finish my work for OMF social media. Today, or more specifically tonight, I will go back to sleep with a heavy heart while missing all the people I love from 2,992 km away.