There are few episodes that I write the whole script and just read it to the listeners. Here's the script for one of those episodes:
“Why does God put us on fire?
Have you thought about this? Why do we have to keep having challenges and tests? We already follow the living God, why does it sometimes feel like life’s still so complicated?
Just think about Israel – they are already chosen!! God loves them. But why do they have to go through Egypt, or the wilderness, or wars?
Why can’t just God, who is the most powerful and highest being in the world take away all their problems and enemies and so they can live happily ever after?
Or Job!!? Job was already living a good life– he had family, wealth, fame, and relationship with God. He was running his business well.. And his children had good relationship with each other.. Then, for some reason, God allowed.. Emphasis on ALLOWED Satan to take everything.. Except His life.
Do you have these thoughts? Why did God allow this? I had this experience. I was angry at God for 2 things – 1. A suffering that He allowed; 2. For taking something that He promised me. I blamed God. Truly, I was angry with the Lord. How could He allow such things to happen to me. Just like Job then, for the first one I felt like I had no choice.. That I didn’t have power over what was happening during that season of my life.. And the 2nd, how could God give me something just to take it away?
So one night during our spiritual retreat.. We watched a video about how the Lord put us on fire after molding and teaching us. It was about the potter and the clay.. Why does the clay, when already formed and hard and already look good.. Why can’t it just be like that? Why do we have to be put inside the fire? And not just for a few moments – but for more than we can bear? My heart and mind and soul were struggling to comprehend. Because He put us on fire too. Us, His clay and masterpiece, allow us to enter seasons of hardships and trials. You know what’s the answer?
Just like what fire does to clay, trials and tests creates a permanent change in us. It’s part of God’s process in molding us into His image. Clay breaks easily, or scratched easily, and are generally weak when it’s not placed inside fire. The Lord allows trials to change us.. I dont know what that look like for you but it could be God making you humble, or God giving you a heart or empathy for people who went through what you went through, it could be God making you more trusting in Him.
Going back to the retreat, the Lord just taught me that week not to sleep when I’m angry. To talk to the person and settle things before I go back to sleep. The funny thing that night is, I’m angry at Him. As i was listening to the testimonies of fire of other people– how their trials shaped them. One of the things I heard was they lost their baby, and it gave them a mission to care for children or orphans that they didn’t have before. Another thing is that she got cancer, and she said that if she would go back in time, she’d still choose to go through cancer because of everything the Lord showed and taught her during that season of her life. I can never understand the depth of their pain. What they lost and what they went through were MUCH MUCH greater and hard than what I lost and experienced. It feels like God was speaking to me – would you rather lose your baby? Would you rather have cancer? It was the fire that God allowed and used in their life to create a change in them. To me, it was those 2 things.
But you know, sometimes hearing other testimonies isn’t enough. We’re stubborn. I already knew it in my head, and I understood the concept of fire by that time completely. That it’s for our good, and it’s for His glory.. And because we don’t live in a perfect world yet.
And God knew that. God knew that I wasn’t okay yet. God knows our hearts. He sees us.. Even the things we’re not afraid to admit yet.
So… that night, I went to God. I withdraw from people.. Even though i was already so tired then, and so sleepy.. But I knew I can’t go to sleep angry at God. So I went to Him.
Away from people, just me, God, and His word.
And I plead my case with Him. I told Him all the words He promised me, all the signs and dreams, and how I plead with him multiple times to take it away.. And how i felt trapped and that he didn’t rescue me earlier than He should. I told him everything, how I felt betrayed by Him.. how I truly and honestly felt and thought.
You know, I went there knowing partly that I wouldn’t win. God always wins the arguments. But in my heart, I just hoped that He would give me a reason. Why, Lord, why.
I looked through verses and stories in the bible and found myself reading Job with tears in my eyes. Jesus didn’t deserve to die on the cross. Jesus did everything perfectly, yet people still hated Him and put him on the cross.
Job didn’t do anything evil for everything He worked so hard for for so long just to be lost in a single day. I was humbled, they lost everything. They were torn from the inside out, yet, they still loved.
My heart was still fighting, I still couldn’t comprehend it. But the Lord met me, He spoke to me and gave me what I needed – I didn’t break. I’m not broken. If more, I’m more useful to God now because of the humility through those sins and failures. What I lost no longer matters to God.
Then I remember really having this thought – “You’re still here. You’re still serving. That’s what matters to God now. My sins and failure did not disqualify me from my calling.”
And at the same time, the Lord helped me be humble. I can’t be angry at the Lord and blame Him for everything. He does not sin. He is perfect. I can only trust Him.
And the Lord settled in my heart that no amount of service or good work I can give to God for him to repay me. He doesn’t owe us anything.. But because He is good, He will bring back what was lost. I just have to trust Him.
And one last thing, what happened in the past caused me scars. Big, huge scars that’ll be with me until I die. I remember my illustration then was I was limping, like when one of your ankles got injured and you can’t run or walk because you have broken bones.. It felt like that for years. And now that it’s all recovered, the scar remains. I’ll have it until I die. But you know what God shared with me that night? Jacob lived with a limp leg for the rest of his life.. And Job might have had his scars from boils too (because satan also gave him boils that burned his body for a looong time), David had his son Solomon which was a living reminder of his iniquities and transgression, Abraham had Ishmael, Samson went blind, Peter had a rooster’s crow– we all wish we were better, that we didnt do that one thing, or didnt slide into that decision but God allowed it.
Job’s lost of properties and children is a reminder that we are NOT invincible and powerful no matter how “perfect” or “good” we are. Everything is under the grace of God, allowed by God.
My friend, it doesn’t matter to God now. Everything is restored in Christ Jesus. He will restore you. You are restored in the Lord. You didn’t lose God. You know, in fact, God also had scars. Jesus’ hands and feet will always have holes in them.. Even his side is scarred. Not because He sinned or because He failed. But because of His love for you. Because of the price He paid to spend eternity with the people He loves so much.
Now you might be like me, after that wrestling with God, I didn’t feel 100% alright right away but I knew that God already was able to penetrate through my walls and anger.
If you have an issue with God– go to Him. Plead your case. Tell Him everything. Your doubts, your frustrations, your anger and your hurts. He will listen and will answer.
🙂
Thank you for listening, my friends. I hope that you’ll remember that during the time of trials or fire, God is with you. He manages the fire, He knows how hot you can take things.. He won’t allow you to break. As long as you’re living, as long as you’re breathing.. God is reaching out to you. God loves you.
Cheers my friends. Here’s to seeing light and hope together.”
