“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind” 2 Timothy 1:7 In other bible version, sound mind is written as self-discipline. I know that I have a sound mind, having a full revelation of His healing and power through this verse. Ever since the night I prayed for a sound, healed mind, I have been conscious of my thoughts, making sure that I am in control of what I think, and later on to what I do. For some reason, though, for the past 2 weeks, I cannot think properly. It might have been because of exhaustion during the ministry week– physical, emotional, and spiritual burnout. Or it could just be I’m too lazy because of my hormonal cycle (thank God for healing me from irregular cycles). Another reason I thought of is because I’ve met with more friends than I should leading to more tiredness. Or it could be because I have ADHD (which I was assured that I don’t have haha). However, does knowing the reason help with easing my tiredness and helping me to be able to think properly again? For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. 2 Timothy 1:6 As Timothy was commanded to fan into flame the gift of God, so I should. More importantly when my fire is burning out. So knowing why I can’t think properly now will help me in the future on how to keep myself from having foggy mind. God’s Healing Wow, in the middle of writing this (I’m in our school’s library), I had an intimate conversation with an Ate (older sister). And now, wow. I think I’m all good again. Haha! Through the conversation, I realized that it’s not that I’m physically tired because I already rested enough. It’s also not because I’m mentally tired because as I said, I couldn’t use my brain well for the past 2 weeks. And definitely not spiritually tired as the Lord is faithful in filling me everyday. It turns out that my mind had been foggy, like I can’t get hold of or control it, was because I had an emotional burden. Or hurt. A few weeks ago, I wrote about being generous with my smile. I didn’t realize that the words of my brother had cut deep into my heart. I just shrugged it off but eventually changed how I acted and expressed myself towards other people. After I told Ate what the brother told me, I found myself crying unstoppable. And I thought, aha! This must be it. I kept it hidden, especially with all the requirements and busyness in our ministries. That, along with other feelings I dismissed must have been the reason I couldn’t take a hold of my thoughts. Now, I feel free. Like I’m not caged anymore. God’s healing of our hearts come through the form of confession and being honest with what we feel. Encouragement Fanning into flame the fire given to us is our responsibility. Not just that, we have to take care of our fire, making sure we guard or prevent it from dying down. Having a sound mind is a gift, along with power and love. That means that we are able to follow God wherever He calls us and obey Him in whatever He wants us to do. God didn’t give you the Spirit of fear. Instead, He has given you the Spirit of power, love, and a sound mind.

Broken Pieces It was a year ago when I couldn’t get a hold of myself because I was so heartbroken to do so. I didn’t know what to hold on to and the bright future which I never lost a glimpse of before suddenly vanished into thin air. Brokenheartedness is like forgetting how to breathe. You suddenly don’t know something you’ve done your whole life. Back then, I didn’t understand why I had to go through heartbreak or why I allowed myself to be in such a position if I could’ve just stood firm and didn’t put my walls down. Ahhh, well. You know there’s an art practice in Japan that when a pottery gets broken, they put gold to stick the pieces together, making it whole again. A more beautiful, more valuable pottery. It’s called Kintsugi. At the time of my brokenness, I begged the Lord to give me a new identity. Someone that I will be. Writing this, Kintsugi is definitely what God is doing. I was broken to pieces. But God, piece by piece, He’s making me into a new, better, more valuable person. The Lord gave me 4 new identity, which I am yet to be. Two of those I will share with you, my dear reader. New Identity 1.) The Lord gave me a word I have never read anywhere yet: Mother of Missions Out of the 4 new identities that God gave me that afternoon, this one is the hardest to attain, but the most possible. Because 2.) Married. I thought I needed to get married to become a mother. Recently, I learned about the gift of being single in our class. Paul wrote in Corinthians that it is better for a person to stay single (1 Corinthians 7:7). How you can focus more on the Lord and serve with contentment. I also learned that in New Testament, there’s not a verse talking about “Be fruitful and multiply” referring to physical offspring, instead the focus now is on “Go and make disciples of all nation” referring to spiritual offspring. Going back to these two new identities, I thought it is just a wishful thinking for my mind to cope with the heartbreak. It was Hudson Taylor that came to my mind when I pondered on those words– mother of missions. How can I be a mother of missions if I didn’t have enough background about cross-cultural missions, have a background in Theology, or have any leadership roles that influence a lot of people? Besides that, I’m a woman. But you know, Susan’s (my OMF JP Coordinator) came to my mind while thinking about this. Her sons became missionaries too but then again, what if the Lord don’t give me a child, or don’t give me in marriage? Receiving a new identity that time gave me so much hope that it’ll get better, but also questions. How can it be? I was single and have nothing to show for in the world. Eternal Offsprings In the Old Testament, the focus on covenant blessing was through marriage and children. A person’s legacy is through his bloodline or his offspring. In the New Testament, Jesus offers a unique identity and inheritance to His followers who are called and was gifted singleness. We see the emphasis of spiritual in the New Testament– battles, properties, and inheritance. Our inheritance now involve spiritual offsprings or children in faith. This opened my mind, ah, I don’t have to give birth to become a mother of missions. The barren rejoices with more children than the woman with husband. Why? Because the Lord is her Maker, Redeemer and husband & her offspring are not simply physical children. Paul sees this spiritual, New Covenant sense. Raymond Chan (& Steve Hobson) of SSL Class Notes Module 7.2, IGSL Slowly but surely, it started to make sense to me. The people I disciple and take care of spiritually are my eternal offsprings. Their names are now written in the book of life and they won’t be snatched by the devil, it is God who holds them. I don’t have to physically give birth to be a mother of missions. I just have to stay faithful to God and as my Maker, Redeemer, and Husband, He will provide the way for His plans to come to life. Gift of Adoption Last thing I want to write about is my desire to adopt. Recently, our church organized an event for Orphan Care Awareness. And not too long ago, I spoke to a brother who was adopted. I was inspired by his story and also his character as a man of God. Through this event and also by my brother’s testimony, God willing, I can to take part in taking care of the orphans too. We are adopted by God in His family. And my heart breaks for every child who don’t have a family to go home to, abandoned and rejected. If my heart breaks for such as these, how much more God who loves and made the little children? God willing, I can adopt and also raise children in Christlikeness and they too, will go and make disciples.

I used to be the person that longed deeply for love. Not that I didn’t get it but more so, I didn’t feel it. I remember my life group leader once told me, “You can’t expect people to love you the same way you love them. We all express love differently.” That stayed with me. Looking back, during those times when I was craving connection and affection, I also realize now — I was being selfish. I gave love expecting the same (or even more) in return. When that didn’t happen, I felt frustrated, drained, and invisible. It made people feel either indebted to me or distant from me. But God…He never left. It was His love that quietly and faithfully filled my empty cup. I believe that the first years of a young Christian are the hardest years to survive. At least for me. God allowed all sorts of problem in my life and in our family. We went through A LOT. Finances. Health. Separation. Divisions. Ungodly relationships. Sins. Add to that the struggle to walk closely with the Lord. As a young Christian, it took me years to give up all that I had to give up. Good thing, the Lord is patient with us. And good news, the story didn’t end there. My life completely turned around for the better when I paused studying and donate my liver to my nephew. I didn’t know then that it would lead me to the most beautiful path. I was only assured by God that it’s Him who’s calling me to step out of the boat and walk on water. I’ve been walking on water and living in miracles with Him since then. During the course of that dark, heavy season of our lives — preparing for liver transplant, I met Ate Nica who later became my life group leader. Then through her life group, I met Ate Rose and Shaira. They became my best friends years later. After the transplant, I decided to work while waiting to return to school (I had to wait 1.5 years before I could continue). In that work, I met Marvin, Ella, Edison, Gab, Jecoy, and Ate Jon. That was 2019, one of the best years of my life. I believe it was God who formed our little group — me, Edison, Ella, and Marvin. Only Ella and I have the same job. Marvs was in a different role and Ed’s in a different department. We ate side by side one lunch time and Ed (despite coming from a different dept) stuck with us. He and Marvs became best of friends. We would bond together after work. We would eat, pray, talk, sing and dance, play games, and everything you can think of. Because of these people, along with my other workmates and churchmates, my heart that was longing for affection suddenly overflowed with so much joy and love. It’s been 6 years since we met but we still keep in touch. Ed’s already married and I’m close friends with his wife, Ate Grazie. Ever since I met them, along of course with my best friends Ate Nica, Shai, Ate Rose, + Angge, I’ve never again questioned if people ever loved me. I got the confidence and assurance that I was loved. I was celebrated. I was in the right place. These people became the light in my dark life. God used them to transform bitter Rachel to bright Rachel. And through these best friends of mine, I’ve come to understand the beauty and fulfillment of godly friendships. To truly love and be loved. Thank You, Jesus — for the gift of friendship.